I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
