I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
