be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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