We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
