Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
then he tried to convert me to islam
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize