one two three fourrrrnication!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
