I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
