my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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