Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
