On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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