Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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