You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize