your parents love me but you hate me
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
