So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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