I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
