so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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