at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
