you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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