he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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