i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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