I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
