So drunk its hurt
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think your dad took our porno
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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