Umm I'm too high to move.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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