After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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