I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
