I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
