My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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