Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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