Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dignity is for republicans.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
