you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
