apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
