I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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