I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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