we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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