I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
