Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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