nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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