The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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