Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
