I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
