dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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