you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
