I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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