I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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