my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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