Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize