Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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