Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
