Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
