Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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