I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
