So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
