i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
