You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
