So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
