He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
