i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fuck appropriateness.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
