I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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