the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize