so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
