I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
