Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
