I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
