my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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