Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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