Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
