I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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