Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
